Worlds Smartest Inventions 2 transcript
narrator: Don't touch that remote ! announcer: Now, for a small price, you can have the *** of your dreams.*** Pop !narrator: Tonight,"The Smoking Gun" presents moreof the world'ssmartest inventions.( crowd cheering )man: Yeah !narrator: 20 ingenious products.man: Nice dangle.man: Oh, my God !narrator: Innovationsfor the whole family.announcer: Introducingthe world's firstbreast-feeding doll.( doll crying )man: That is really ( bleep )weird-- I'm sorry.narrator: And for yourfour-legged friends.announcer: Rear Gear,the fantastic invention thatbeautifies any dog's derriere.Judy: Do they make thosefor my kids' mouths ?narrator: Stay tuned forcompelling testimonialsfrom our celebrity cast.woman: This ( bleep ) cool !narrator: Plus, special guest,legendary pitchmanAnthony Sullivan.Anthony: Enjoy all the comfortsof indoor plumbing while you'reoutdoors, anywhere.narrator: It's "The Smoking Gun"Presents: The World'sSmartest Inventions."woman: Bingo !narrator: Order now.Closed Captions Provided by truTVcommentator: Eureka !announcer: Tired of the same oldboring blue jeans ?man: Winkers.announcer: Then it'stime for Winkers.The specially decorated jeansthat wink while you walk.Tonya: Oh, that's--Those are so cool.Rodney: Is that *** winking atanybody else ?'Cause it's winking at me.man: Winkers.Kevin: This is in case you'reworried that your *** wasn'tinviting enoughfor perverts to look at.Daniel: Her mouth is saying no,but her pants are saying,"Oh, yes."man: Winkers.announcer: Choose duck, owl...( owl hooting )man: Thanks a lot, Winkers.Now I'll never be able to havesex with an owl again.announcer: Or one of our manyother popular designs.Chelsea: Who...the ( bleep ) wouldwear these crazy pants ?( dinging )Loni: That's a lot of winkinggoing on.A lot of winking.announcer: Winkers are perfectfor a walk in the park,running errands...( duck quacking )Kevin: Oh, I don't think thoseducks deserve that.announcer: Or just showing off.man: Wink, wink, wink !Cut, action, cut !man: That's the closest he'sgonna come toan actual movie set.I feel bad.man: Winkers.announcer: Get your pair today,and next time someone cutechecks out your caboose,don't just stand there,wink at 'em !man: Winkers.man: Kiss it, baby.man: Winkers.announcer: Attention:cat owners.Tired of cleaning yourcat's litter box ?And what about the messand smell ?Say good-bye to litter for goodwith Citi Kitty, the completecat toilet-training kit.Billy: You know, they had me,okay, at "Attention:cat owners."I don't even own a cat.announcer: It's true.Cats have been trained to usethe toilet for decades.Mike: Um, news to me.announcer: Now with Citi Kitty,yours can, too.Leif: Shouldn't it be called"( bleep ) Kitty" ?Daisy: I got somethingnew I want to introduceto our relationship.You *** in a toilet.Tom: Now your dayhas finally come.You're gonna be potty trained.announcer: Start livinglitter-free todaywith Citi Kitty.( commentator groaning )Chelsea: No, no.How dare you make mewatch a cat take a leak.Kevin: That was more staringinto a cat's eyes while he peedthan I ever planned to do.Thanks.( commentator grunting )Rodney: Hey, man.Can I get a little...privacy here ?announcer: Cats of all size,age and breed can learnto use a toilet.Chuck: Now I gotta compete withmy cat for bathroom time ?I don't think so.You don't pay any rent here.( cat meowing )( knocking )Daniel: ( bleep ), Whiskers,what have you been eating ?Light a match or somethingin there, will ya ?You're killing me.man: Meow.Ted: If I can teach my cat tocrap in a toilet,I can teach it to crap in myneighbor's mailbox.Wait a minute.announcer: Start livinglitter-free todaywith Citi Kitty,the complete cat toilet-training kit.Judy: The cat wipes its pawsall over the toilet seat.That's fun.'Cause I love sitting ona wet toilet seat.John: I mean, you think they'dteach these catshow to flush, right ?No.Tonya: A cat is supposed to goin a kitty litter box, okay ?This ( bleep ) is the only onethat's gonna be usingmy toilet, all right ?announcer: Say good-bye tolitter for goodwith Citi Kitty.Mike: You know, they actuallyhave an inventionfor people that don't want toclean up cat ( bleep ).It's called "not having a cat."I have it and I love it.announcer: If you own an iPod,iPhone or digital video player,then you need TV Hat.Private, portableand hands-free.TV Hat providesa motion-picture experienceabsolutely anywhere.Tom: Now you don't have to bea couch potato.You can be an anywhere potato.Jaime: Best of all, TV Hatcompletely shuts you offfrom societyand renders youunaware of your surroundings.Mike: This movie's awesome !Oh !Oh, boy !Daisy: Ha, ha !( chuckling )Oh, this is the bestpersonal-theaterexperience I've ever hadon the subway.announcer: Thecustom-magnification lensprovides a big-screenexperience.Daniel: Perfect for watchingquestionable content.Like this show !( laughing )announcer: The unique shadesensure a private-viewingexperience all your own.Kevin: Don't you go to the beachto see the beach ?Isn't that why the beachis so popular ?announcer: Getting througha long commute ?You need TV Hat.Billy: What's that, Officer ?I don't know what--what speed I was going.I'm watching TV Hat.announcer: Watch what you wanton your lunch break.Ted: Finally, I canwatch *** at work.Thank you, TV Hat.woman: My husbandwould love this.Daisy: It's cheaper thandivorce.TV Hat.announcer: TV Hat is yours forthe low price of 19.95.Brad: At first,it's a good price,but then when you add inthe price of your dignity,it becomes a lot more expensive.announcer: Shippingand handling is free.Order now.Chuck: ( laughing )Oh, Gilligan !You are so funny !narrator: Coming up, productsyou can't live without.Todd: Yeah, oh yeah !This ( bleep ) work, dawg.narrator: Plus, can yourunderwear do this ?( farting )Loni: Anybody smell anything ?narrator: And later,doggy style redefined.man: It's a customized *** coverfor your pet.( dog whining )narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.commentator: Eureka !man: Did you know the averageAmerican passes gasnearly 20 times a day ?That's almost once an hour.Loni: Oh !man: Introducing the GasBGonUnderair Brief from Dairiair.These odor-controlling garmentsjust look like regular briefs,but each pair is made froma patented microfiltration fiberthat absorbs the foul-smellingsulfides and excess gas.Daisy: That is a long way to goto describe this product.I think I can do itin one word."Fartpants."John: If you don't have yourfart and you don'thave your smell,then what do you have ?You're basically a eunuch.Kevin: If my significant otherwas wearing these,they would immediatelybecome less significant.man: Underair Briefs areguaranteed to filter up to1,000 intestinal outburstswithout losing effectiveness.Mike: Look, I'll cut one everyonce in a while, but damn.Frank: This is like Hazmat.What the ( bleep ) ?It's like a diaper.Why don't you justchange your diet ?Danny: I have one question.How do you know when it's full ?man: Call now and you'll receivea GasBGon FlatulenceFilter Seat Cushionat no additional cost.Loni: It's supposed to bespace-age material and stuff.Let me test it and see.( farting )Anybody smell anything ?man: Okay, Baldwin, we canactually go toa game together now.man: And with 17 decorativeslipcovers to choose from,your cushion will neverlook out of place.Michael: Do they have a designfor ladies ?Is there one with little heartsand teddy bears crying ?Tonya: Women don't fart.( farting )We fluff.man: The Underair Briefand Flatulent Filter SeatCushion from Dairiair.Saving you by the seatof your pants.Order today.announcer: GLH meansgreat-looking hair.Just spray GLH on and itinstantly covers your bald spot,leaving you withgreat-looking hair.It's an amazing powder thatclings to the tiniesthairs on your head.GLH is not a paintor a cover-up.man: Then what the ( bleep )is it ?Daisy: Dude, they gotthe real Ron Popeil,father of the infomercialin this.I will buy it.What is it ?Mike: Hey.Look, I made a little paintingfor you, Ron Popeil.announcer: Leaving you withgreat, great-looking hair !man: Wow.That's incredible.This is the first time I've everused this product,and I was skeptical at first,but it works.Ted: Oh, this stuff is great.I spray it on my back if I'mgoing to a Greek wedding.Todd: Yeah, oh yeah !This ( bleep ) work, dawg.Tom: Oh, that's perfect.( dinging )Brad: Oh, my God !Does it come in something that'sa little lessRichard Simmons, though ?man: As a matter of fact, I wantto order one year's supplyof this.Nick: 'Cause that's how longI plan on livingafter I spray these chemicalsinto my skull.Judy: "Propane, butane,isobutane, alcohol."Oh, "Warning: flammable."That's good.Kevin: Man, my hairdoes look great,but now if someone lightsa cigarette next to me, my--Mike: Leif Garrettneeds to get this.Then he would only have,like 11 other problems.Leif: I don't need it,as we all know.( rim shot )announcer: And GLH is not justfor men.woman: Wow.I never dreamed thatI'd look like this.Billy: No.No, you-- you probably didn't.announcer: This entire GLH hairsystem can be yoursfor only 19.95.Daisy: Oh, my God.Here's my credit card.I don't have very good controlof my finances.announcer: What can you do whenyou can't afford tomiss hearing a word ?woman: What's that ?What did he say ?woman: "B"-3.woman: Oh, I had it.Daisy: No one's yelled"bingo" yet.Don't give up !This is so depressing.announcer: Well, now, you canget Loud 'N Clear,the personal sound amplifierthat looks just likea cell-phone headset.Chelsea: Uh-oh,the future's here !( beeping )announcer: It can help you hearevery word loud and clear.man: "B"-3.woman: Bingo !Daisy: Awesome.announcer: By capturingand amplifying sound waves,it turns ordinary hearing intoextraordinary hearing.Mike: Ahh, ahh !Oh, God !announcer: So powerful, you caneven hear conversations fromacross the street.woman: They just gotanother new car.woman: He must be doingreally well.Rodney: The old neighbors nextdoor are getting busy.And I can't believeI'm listening.Again.Leif: This is justinvasion of privacy.This is wrong.Jaime: I'm both frightenedand intrigued.Tonya: Oh, great,so I'm a "quacker."Brad: This is amazing.You can literally hear hownot funny Tonya is,as if she's not funnyright next to you.Tonya: I can hear what you'resaying, ( bleep ).announcer: Ever wonder whatpeople are sayingwhen you can't hear them ?With Loud 'N Clear, you candiscreetly listen in.Kevin: He's not just some toolwho walks around wearinga Bluetooth all day,he's also a pervert who spies onother people's conversations.woman: Isn't he cute ?He just moved into the building.Danny: Why would I want to heara bunch of chicks say,"Isn't that that washed-up kidfrom the 'Partridge Family' ?"announcer: Call right nowand we'll include a secondLoud 'N Clear free,but you gotta call now.Daisy: Why hasn't anyone thoughtof this before ?It's an aid that helps you hear.It's an aid for hearing.Or a hearing helper.They should haveinvented this already.woman: Bingo !announcer: Can't seem to findthose pesky oven mittswhen you really need them ?Introducing HandyMitts.( commentator grunting )Jaime: They have mitts forgiving "handies" now ?( buzzer ringing )Oh, what are they, then ?announcer: Thanks toHandyMitts' uniqueretraction system,your hands have never been saferfrom dangerous kitchen hazards.Nick: Those mitts are almostthree feet away.I don't want to walk all the wayover to the counterand pick 'em up.Billy: Oh, oh, I see.Oh, they're on little strings.Judy: I like the HandyMitts.Leif: Julia Child is just,right now, turning in her grave.This is so pathetic.announcer: Best of all,HandyMitts is so easy to use.Simply slip your hands in whenyou need themand slip them out againwhen your work is done.Chelsea: I'm pretty sure thisdidn't need to beas weird as it is,but he went ahead and put hispersonal stamp on it.( commentator grunting )Quick on the draw !Kevin: Who's gettingthe casserole first ?( commentator grunting )No, I don't think so.Loni: Instead of HandyMitts,you need to get you some pants.Jaime: HandyMitts are also goodfor slapping peopleacross the room.announcer: Order now and kissyour old kitchen mitts good-bye.Bryan: Of course, I better notmisplace my apron.So a lot of times, I sew myapron to my own skin.Anthony: Anthony Sullivan herewith a special limited TV offer.Stop settling for cheapreproductions ofchild stars gone wild.Now you can ownthe actual Danny Bonaduce.Like distressed leather,his beat-up appearance makes himan instant classicand he'll do anythingfor a laugh.Imagine your parties.Get your Bonaduce today.Only available in red.narrator: Coming up,we've got you covered,from nuts...Loni: Ooh.man: Yeah !narrator: ... to butts.announcer: It's here.*** Pop.Tonya: I already got a ***.narrator: But wait,there's more !announcer: Batter Blaster.Just shake, point and blast.Chelsea: Been there, done that.narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.commentator: Eureka !announcer: Man's best friend.But even best friends need tokeep some things private.Face it, your pooch's posteriorisn't his most attractive asset.( dog whining )Introducing Rear Gear,the fantastic inventionthat beautifiesany dog's derriere.Roger: So basically,it's a customized *** coverfor your pet.Nick: I gotta be honestwith you.I've never really studiedmy dog's ***.I tend to look other places.Frank: But what happens ifthe dog has to take a crap ?announcer: The handy loop makesRear Gear easy to attach.commentator: Seriously ?Tonya: Why don't you just goand get yourself, you know,an air freshenerand hang that on his tail ?Judy: Do they make thosefor my kids' mouths ?Kevin: The directions for this,seriously, say, open the bag,cover the brown eye,invite the in-laws.Does even one of those thingssound like a good idea ?Any of 'em ?announcer: Rear Gear comes ina variety of styles.Brad: Oh, look.His number two is number one.Daisy: I have twointerests in life.Number one,making my dog look cute.Number two, denying that ***its best pleasure in lifeof sniffing other dogs' butts.Thanks, Rear Gear.You made it happen.announcer: Rear Gear.It's what all the best-dresseddogs are wearing.Daniel: They should make thesein the likeness of the personwho orders them,because if you make your dogwear this, you're an ( bleep ).announcer: Order yours today !announcer: Uh-oh !Are those pants getting tootight to close ?Oh, no !That button is ready to pop.Stop !You need the Perfect Fit Button.The quickest, easiest way toadd or reduce inches onthe waistband of your pants.Kevin: Oh, I get it.Uh, it's a button.Billy: What's that greatexpression ?Nobody ever lost moneyoverestimating the fatnessof the American people ?Tonya: The food's good,you gotta eatand if it's too much,big frickin' deal.announcer: Simply pop onthe Perfect Fit Buttonand attach the speciallydesigned secure-lock fastener.No one will ever knowyou're wearing it.Daisy: Except for the telltaleweird two-button crotchyou're sporting.Jaime: No one will ever knowyou're wearing itunless they look down.Brad: If your pantshave gotten so tightthat you need to use this,it may be time toabandon pants altogetherand just live in a Snuggie.announcer: Just attachthe fastener onto the pinto hold firmly in place.Simply squeezethe fastener to remove.Loni: All I do is leavemy pants unbuttoned.That's comfortable fit.Leif: That's a hot look.It's a really good look.announcer: It's like havinga custom tailor at yourfingertips.Bryan: Thanks a lot,Perfect Fit Button,for putting me out of work.I hate you.announcer: When you lose weight,just removethe Perfect Fit Button.As you lose more weight, simplypop it on the other side.Daniel: Something tells me thatthe Perfect Fit Buttonhas never been pinned tothe right side of a waistband.announcer: Even too bighand-me-downsfit perfectly in seconds.Chelsea: Thanks, Mom,but I prefer new jeans.Kevin: If this had been aroundwhen I was a kid, I'm prettysure my brothers and Iwould have shared about threepairs of pants for 18 years.announcer: Plus, it getseven better.You'll also get the amazingShoes Under.Judy: And you know what elsewe're gonna give you ?Something that has nothingto do with buttons !announcer: Watch, you'll fit upto 24 shoes.Slide and store shoes under yourbed to perfectly organize allyour shoes, belts and scarves.Mike: Oh, Shoes Under.When are you gonna graduate tothe stupid thing they sell,not the stupid thingthey give away ?announcer: So call now !announcer: Hey, sports fans.If you like to play hard,you need the NuttyBuddy,athletic protection for a man'smost sensitive area.NuttyBuddy's unique cross shapeabsorbs the force of any blowand transfers it tothe surrounding pelvic bone,leaving your genitalsundisturbed.But don't take our word for it.Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Littell.I've been in the gamea long time, ever sinceI was 18 years old.I think I'm over50-something right now.Jaime: You think you'rein your 50s ?Maybe you should be more worriedabout protecting your head.Mark: But anyway, we're gonnatest the NuttyBuddy todayto see if this thing's really asmean and toughas we think it is.Judy: Actually, I've seensomething just like thiscalled a cup.Roger: I thought the NuttyBuddywas an ice-cream cone with nuts.Isn't it ?Mike: I'd like to thinkI know male anatomy.I know what these two are.And then, I guess I couldsee what this is.What's this ?Billy: It's like a youth centerfor your testicles.It gives them a place to gowhere they won'tget into trouble.announcer: To demonstratethe strength and effectivenessof NuttyBuddy,Mark is going to put himselfdirectly in the firing lineof a pitching machine.Mark: We got some help today,we got Lacey.She goes to Capital High Schoolup here in Helena, Montana,and she's gonna dropthe ball in...Kevin: You know, if you're gonnahave to get hit in the nuts,you might as well get a prettylady to do it.Mark: All right, here we go.Daisy: No.No, put your pants back on !Put your pants back on !Mark: Yeah, let's go !Ha, ho !Yeah !( man laughing )All the way !man: Oh, no way !Mike: That has to hurta little bit.Like, you can hurt your nutswith just a-- just a bad breeze.They're very sensitive.Mark: ... ho.Yeah !( man laughing )All the way !Tonya: So all you idiots outthere that want totry stupid stuff,go buy one of these,stand thereand get something that throwsa ball at you really hardand we'll see if it works.Danny: Okay, kids.Time to take the NuttyBuddyout for a test-drive.It works !Mark: ... ho.Yeah !( man laughing )All the way !It works !woman: An Australian woman hadunwanted facial hairthat she just couldn't getrid of by any meansuntil she found ***'s.host: Could you tell us alittle bit about the success storythat you've had with *** ?lady: I've got somephotographs here.And I think you'llsee a big difference.host: Oh, my word.That is wonderfulthat this productwas able to helpyou in such a way.Brad: You're all looking at itlike you're looking ata back-alley abortion.Show us the picture already.host: That is incredible.lady: My friendssee the difference.Loni: What the hell the picturelook like ?What she look like ?Ooh !host: Wow !Judy: Oh, my God !Mike: Oh, ( bleep ) !Is there a full moon ?Don't show me that !lady: It's very successful,and it doesn't take long,just a few minutes.Chris: Isn't this just waxingminus the screaming ?Daisy: Someone said try a razor.I said, can a razordeal with this ?( ripping )Oh !lady: My friends say, "Ah, you knowyou'll be a movie star now."Loni: Uh, excuse me.Let's not overdo it, sweetie.Rodney: You're not gonna bea movie star.You're gonna be in the ***'shair-removal commercial.And that's it.lady: My mother...gave me this jar of ***.Jaime: Oh.I've been trying to get my handson some ***'s for years.Mike: Here's a good way to testthe name of your product.Say it to a 13-year-old boy.If he starts giggling,pick another name.lady: I would say that Ilook much better now.Ted: Okay, listen up, ladies.***'s can remove unwanted hairfrom your chin and chest,but you'll still need surgeryto remove your testicles.narrator: Coming up...Anthony: Introducingthe Bumper Dumper.( commentator sighing )narrator: Plus, morepet-training products.announcer: Before long, yourguppy will be shooting hoops.narrator: And later...announcer: It's here,Japan's most popular sleep aid.Danny: Because my number-onecomplaint about my pillow isnot enough role-playing.narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.commentator: Eureka !announcer: Imagine being able toreshape your backsideand achieve that ultimate,shapely lifted *** instantly.It's here.Hollywood's hottest newtrade secret.*** Pop.*** Pop *** are nowrevolutionizing women'sundergarments, giving yousexy curvesand the ultimate lift.Todd: *** Pop !Made for the white girlwith no ***.Sisters don't need *** Pop.Loni: It's all natural, baby.Tonya: I don't need 'em.I already got a ***.announcer: Now you can get thatfabulous figure,that "bootylicious,"perky pop that all women want.Nick: You know, you women, youfake us with your fake nails,your fake ***,your hair extensions.Now your *** ?Even your *** ?Chelsea: Oh, you don't like it ?I got it for you, Boo-boo.announcer: The secret to*** Pop is itsstrategically placed padsinside the *** that liftbuttocks, leaving a sexier,more desirable *** instantly.Kevin: Even if these pads domake your *** pop,the rest of you still looks likethe owner of a sub-par ***.Chelsea: I think this createstoo many awkward situationsin which you have to explain,like, why your ***feels like a mattress.announcer: *** Pop turnsa droopy derriere intoa youthful-looking, head-turning"bootylicious" ***.Daisy: ♪ Pop it ♪♪ Let's pop it ♪♪ Let's *** Pop ♪♪Michael: If women get to wearthe *** Pop, I get to wear,um... the "Snake Trousers."Check that out.That is all...padding, *** !announcer: Boost your bottom injeans, shorts,dresses and more.Jaime: Before *** Pop.After *** Pop.Loni: They wouldn't needa *** Pop if they atea damn sandwich.announcer: Be sure tocheck out our websiteto see all the exciting*** Pop colors available.Tonya: So for those people thatreally want to have a butt,get 'em.And they come in purple.announcer: Call or log on nowto get the amazing*** Pop ***for the introductoryTV price of just 19.95.This is a limited-time offer,so call or log on right now.Anthony: Can we watch it again ?'Cause there's somegreat-looking ***in that commercial.announcer: *** Pop.announcer: Tropical fish arebeautiful.But let's face it,they're also a little boring.Not anymore.( commentator grunting )Introducingthe R2 Fish School Kit.commentator: Touchdown !announcer: Just follow oureasy-to-use instructionsand before long, your guppywill be shooting hoops...commentator: Whoo !announcer ... taking itto the end zone...commentator: Yeah !announcer: ... doingthe limbo...commentator: I did it, did it !announcer: ... and swimming withprecision you neverthought possible.commentator: Yes !Nick: You know, soccer's notboring enough when it's playedby humans.Let's slow it down underwater.With fish.commentator: Yes !Jaime: If you put a bunch ofcrap in a fish bowl,eventually it'll look likethe fish are playing with it.announcer: Every R2 Fish SchoolKit comes with a freeinstructional DVD.man: Welcome, future fishtrainers.The first step is to get yourfish to recognizeand touch the ball.When he does, you shouldreward him with food.Chris: You know, it's not enoughthat I've imprisoned this fish,let me make himwork for his food.Jaime: My fish refused to touchthe ball, so I didn'tgive him his "reward."Now he's dead.Thanks, Fish School.commentator: Thank you !Thank you !Billy: I bet this couldwork on our cast members.Chuck: What you want me to say ?Bryan: It's so exciti--So exciting.I can't-- I can't tell you howexcited I am.Leif: What am I gettingfed for, am I...Mike: Bull( bleep ) !man: Comet sure loves tohead the ball around,but the goal is to score a goal.Excuse the pun.Kevin: I will not excuse itbecause that wasn't a pun.You just saidthe word "goal" twice.announcer: The R2 Fish SchoolKit.Everything you need to trainyour fish to do amazing tricks.Daniel: Hey, which one of theseaccessories teaches my fishto breathe on dry land ?announcer: Order now.commentator: I'm out, I'm out !Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here.Ah, the great outdoors.There's no place more relaxing.But what do you dowhen nature calls ?There's the digging...and the squatting.( farting )Introducing the Bumper Dumper.commentator: Ah...( sighing )Anthony: The bathroombreakthroughthat lets you enjoy allthe comforts of indoor plumbingwhile you're outdoors.Roger: I'm out inthe middle of nowhere.Does it really matterwhere I put it ?Tom: This is great, becausesometimes you get so excitedwhen you catch a fishthat you'll( bleep ) your pants.Daisy: Do not tellJeff Foxworthy aboutthe Bumper Dumper.commentator: Bumper Dumper ?Daisy: He will base an entirecomeback tour around it.Anthony: The Bumper Dumperquickly and easily mounts toyour truck or SUV.Daniel: Attach this to the backof your truck and you'llliterally be hauling ***.Brad: No, kids,I'm slowing down to 35.Climb out the back windowand hold on.Danny: Hey, try not to go overso many bumps.Anthony: And theinjection-moldedspace-age polymer seatprovides supportyou can count on,letting you take care ofbusiness anywhere.Mike: Hmm, would youlook at that.Fed is raisinginterest rates again.That is crazy.Bryan: And I'll tell you, it maysmell bad, but, boy, does itbring back some memories.Ted: And what I've found is whenthe bag is full, you can justtoss it on the freeway.commentator: What the heckis that ?Anthony: The cost, just 69.95.Chuck: It's good even whenyou're doing...( farting )... an interview.Anthony: So what are youwaiting for ?Order now.announcer: For years and years,people have made pancakesand wafflesthe same old-fashioned way,with milk, eggs, flour,mixing bowlsmeasuring cups...and all that mess.Judy: It was neverlike that, okay ?No one made me ( bleep )pancakes.announcer: AnnouncingBatter Blaster.Just shake, point,blast and cook.Mike: Life just got a littlesimpler, America.There you go, another inventionyou didn't know you needed.Todd: I'm throwing this away.That's crap.This is where it's at.announcer: Again, just shake,point, blast and cook it.It's that easy.Chelsea: Shake, point and blast.Been there, done that.Leif: This is alla disguise for whippits !announcer: Batter Blastermakes fluffy pancakesor light waffles in no time.Jaime: I'd never skip breakfastif I could just squirta pancake into my mouth.Michael: *** want somepancakes ?*** get some pancakes.Bryan: I have a Batter Blaster.But, well, you can't buy it,'cause it's attached to me.women: ♪ Make a better ♪♪ Breakfast faster ♪♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪Daisy: Look happier aboutthose pancakes, kid.We got 19 more takes of thiscoming your way.announcer: It's organic,easy and fun.It's the tastiest for everyone.Make a better breakfast faster.Batter Blaster.Chris: Whatever time you saveusing this productwill be lost inthe bathroom later.women: ♪ Make a better ♪♪ Breakfast faster ♪♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪Roger: Yeah, but can they do itwith meat loaf ?narrator: Coming up...announcer: Introducingthe affordable orthopedic bedfor your dog.Loni: Is that Leif Garrett ?narrator: And a chairthat cares.Mike: A normal chairignores the genitals.This chair can't think enoughabout your genitals.narrator: Plus, parentalsupervision required.announcer: The doll that teachesyour little girl to breast-feed.Leif: We'll get the blow-up dollto teach our sonthe other stuff.( doll crying )narrator: When "World's SmartestInventions" continues.commentator: Eureka !announcer: You sleep soundlyin a comfortable bedand wake up feeling relaxedand rejuvenated.But what about yourbest friend ?woman: Here, Cecil.announcer: How's hefeeling today ?( dog whining )announcer: Introducingthe DogPedic Sleep System,the affordable orthopedic beddesigned to provide comfort,relief and happinessfor your dog.Mike: Oh, God.My dog didn't getany sleep last night.How is he ever gonna get throughthe day of sleepingwhenever he wants ?announcer: Guaranteed or yourmoney back.Judy: You want to know whereelse I've seen a doglook comfy ?On my kitchen floor.Nick: I've got a $2,000mattress, I tossand turn all night,meanwhile, my dog sleepson a bed of nails.It's fine.announcer: The secret is anexclusive combination ofmemory foam and support foamthat contours to hisexact body shapewhile evenly supporting hisoverall weight.Daniel: At last, a dog can lickhis balls atop a mattressdesigned by NASA engineers.announcer: We droppeda 20-pound watermelon onto anordinary dog bedand it broke into pieces.But with DogPedic,the melon doesn't break.Kevin: So if I drop my dog offa ladder onto this mattress,it won't explode.Very helpful.announcer: Other dog beds getlumpy and lose their shapeover time,but DogPedic's memory foamalways returns to itsoriginal shape,providing years ofcomfort and support.Loni: You can buy this thingand your dog will still sleepin the bed with you.Daisy: I'm gladI spent the money.announcer: DogPedic comfortablysupports dogsweighing as much as 150 pounds.Jaime: The large oneis for up to 150 pounds ?How much ?No, I don't have a dog.announcer: Guaranteed or yourmoney back.woman: Here, Cecil !Tonya: I love my petand he's like my child,but I'm not gonna buy hima doggy bed that's worth morethan my bed, okay ?announcer: Order the DogPedicSleep System now.man: Hello and welcome to"Amazing Inventions."Today I want to introduce youto a fantastic new product fromScandinavia.It's called the Salli Chairand it's sure toimprove your posture.Let's hear from the product'sinventor, Veli-Jussi Jalkanen.Veli-Jussi: Anatomicallydesigned seats fits tothe pelvic and minimizesthe disturbanceto the circulation.Bones carry the weight,not soft tissues.See how the genitalsmake use of the gap.Kevin: Last time I heardsomeone say the phrase,"Look how the genitalsmake use of the gap,"I called the police.John: Oh.Oh...Michael: It's kind of comfy.Hot, right ?Chelsea: There you arein the chair.Yes, I do see your genitals,resting gently in the gap.That's great.Veli-Jussi: Gap in the seatis needed to keep the pressureaway from sensitive genitals.Conventional chairbrings you poor postureand lots of physical problems.Bryan: If I'm usingthe Salli Chair,I no longer have a backacheand my genitals look as pristineand as shapely as they didwhen I first sat down.Mike: A normal chairignores the genitals.This chair can't think enoughabout your genitals.Loni: I ain't got no genitals.( buzzer ringing )Do I ?Veli-Jussi: An undividedsaddle chair in the rightsaddle-chair posture,even the testicles get pressed,not to mentionthe root of ***.Kevin: Yeah, actually, pleasedon't mention it.Veli-Jussi: Try withoutunderwear.That is most comfortable.Roger: I'm commando right now.Leif: It's a nice dangle.Veli-Jussi: Reaching out issafe and works like exercisein your back muscles.Chelsea: This would bethe perfect office chairif I was in Cirque du Soleiland had some paperwork to do.Veli-Jussi: We look forstanding posture in the back.Also in sitting,to avoid the back problems.Billy: "Use as directed."I inadvertently sat in itbackwards and I gavemyself a rupture.man: If you're on the edge ofyour seat to getthe Salli Chair,you'll be glad to know it'savailable in ergonomic furniturestores the world over.Good night and thanks forwatching "Amazing Inventions."announcer: After a long dayat work,all you want to dois spend time with thatspecial someone.But sometimes, that'sjust not possible.Introducing the Lap Pillow,one of the most popularsleep-aid productsis finally available herein the states.Chelsea: Yay, amputee cushions !Danny: Sure, because mynumber-one complaint about mypillow at homeis not enough role-playing.announcer: The Lap Pillowis ergonomically designedto cradle the head.Michael: No, seriously,it's the only way I can sleep.I need this.Bryan: A lot of guyslike to rest like this.I like to take naps like this.announcer: And the sateenskirt-and-apron ensembleis soft to the touch.Daniel: I'm glad these comedressed in a maid outfit,because if there's one thingI'm a stickler about,it's that my fetish pillowshave jobs.Hey !Chuck: I wonder what isup under here.Ooh !More pillow.announcer: Meaning you'll havesweet dreams all night long.Best of all, the Lap Pillow isguaranteed to be there inthe morning when you wake up.Judy: Let me lie with you.Is your wife coming home ?She's a ***.I hate her.announcer: Order the Lap Pillowtoday, and if you don't feelrefreshed after the first night,send it back,no questions asked.Ted: Finally, someone's inventeda nice, clean pillowto replace that rottingmaid's torso I used to sleep on.announcer: Call now.Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivanhere.Remember the '70s ?If you do, you're in bettershape than this guy,Leif Garrett.Made specifically for dancing,this former heartthrobcan be all yoursexclusively from"The Smoking Gun."So order today.narrator: You've sampled19 fantastic inventions.Mark: ... ho.Yeah !narrator: But the smartest newinvention of all is stillsitting in the warehouseand it's guaranteed tosoothe your inner child.woman: My husbandwould love this.narrator: Find out what it iswhen we return.commentator: Eureka !announcer: For centuries,little girls have loved toimitate their mothers.Now they can do itlike never before.Introducing Bebé Glotón,the world's first breast-feedingdoll from Spanish toy companyBerjuan.( doll crying )( doll suckling )Frank: That is really( bleep ) weird, I'm sorry.announcer: Bebé Glotón means"hungry baby,"a perfect name for a doll thatlets any little girl pretendshe's nursing hervery own bundle of joy.( doll crying )Kevin: Spain sees teen pregnancyand they say,"No, no, not young enough."( doll crying )( doll suckling )Leif: We'll get the blow-up dollto teach our sonthe other stuff.( doll crying )announcer: Bebé Glotón comeswith a colorful halter topadorned with twostrategically placed flowers.Your little one simply placesthe doll's mouthon one of the flowersand she's nursing.John: Okay, these aren'tjust faux nipples.They're pasties.Nick: Mama.Sounds like mewhen I'm doing this.( doll crying )( doll suckling )( doll crying )Billy: You know, it seems likefun in the ad,but it ain't so much fun whenyou gotta nurseBebé Glotón at 4:00 a.m.( doll crying )Judy: Shut up !Chuck: My nipplesare killing me !Mike: This has gotta bethe creepiest thingI've ever done.announcer: When feeding time'sover, burp Bebé Glotónto ease her to sleep.Chelsea: I'm pretty sureyou don't burp a babyfrom the front.But it's great that this doll'steaching her how to be a mom.Loni: Oh, excuse me.Oh !announcer: Bebé Glotón costsjust 59.95for countless hoursof grown-up fun.( doll suckling )Kevin: How long couldnursing a baby be fun ?Like a minute ?announcer: Order now.( doll crying )Loni: I don't want toplay no more.Brad: Let's start out witha tap, just to make sureit's sitting right.Don't ( bleep ) full-outsoftball me, okay ?Chuck: I'm so gladthat I showered today.Mike: I guess you don'twant me to drop trou.man: I don't know.If you-- if you arecomfortable with this--Mike: Nah, it's all right.Brad: Oh, oh.That's nice.Michael: Oh, that one hurt.Ahh.Tonya: For all of usthat want to have sex,you can do it like thisand your boyfriendcan come up behind you.Mike: This doesn'tlook weird at all.This doesn't look likeI friggin' don't belongin society.Nick: Ooh, do I want to see myfavorite showor do I not want to get laidfor the rest of my life ?Brad: Oh !Oh, yeah.That's good.A little more.I'm almost there.I think I love you.John: Just put some Vicodinsin here and Leif comes running.Brad: Oh, yeah !It works !Jaime: ♪ Da-da ♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪♪( doll suckling )Danny: Look, I am so ( bleep )skeeved, man.Daisy: Ahh !No !I don't like it,I don't like it.I don't like it.Captioned by Soundwriters™